


Hyrule Eats

by WhydYouMakeHotNoodlesOnSuchAHotDay



Category: The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms, The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild
Genre: Comedy, Crack, M/M, This Is STUPID
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-14 19:54:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28676271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhydYouMakeHotNoodlesOnSuchAHotDay/pseuds/WhydYouMakeHotNoodlesOnSuchAHotDay
Summary: Link grows increasingly addicted to ordering delivery through his Sheikah slate.
Relationships: Beedle/Link (Legend of Zelda)
Kudos: 1





	Hyrule Eats

It was just after midnight when Link walked into Kakariko village.

 _Uhh..._ thought Link, torn between his exhaustion and his food cravings.

Link wandered around, attempting to find a cooking pot he could use.

 _Oh, crap, where is it?_ thought Link, peering through the darkness. _Why can't I find it?_

About a half hour of wandering later, Link stopped.

_Oh, right._

Link recalled that, this late at night, the fires underneath the pots would've been put out. He sighed.

_I don't want to waste another fire arrow..._

Link wandered from building to building, trying to remember which store the cooking pot was near, leaning in closely to read signs.

 _"Shuteye_ _Inn_ ," he read. _Well, maybe I should just get some sleep._

Link entered the Inn and paid for a bed. He lay down and closed his eyes.

 _I could really go for a nice, grilled steak,_ thought Link. _But even if I started a fire, I don't have any meat left._

Link opened his eyes.

_Wait a minute. What was it that Beedle said about food delivery?_

Link took out his Sheikah slate, and squinted at its blue light. He looked at an option on the menu for delivering food. He didn't really understand how it worked, but Beedle assured him he wouldn't have to worry about the details.

 _I don't really want to bother Beedle_ now, thought Link, _but he's always made it clear how much he likes my business._

Link tapped the option and skimmed through the choices.

 _*500 Rupees* for a steak from the Protein Palace?_ thought Link. He sighed. _Alright. I mean, I have over 8,000 Rupees, I can afford to spend a little. And I like the steaks they have there._

Link selected the grilled steak.

An hour later, Beedle knocked on the door to the inn.

 _Thank Hylia,_ thought Link, as he jumped up and ran out the door.

"Ya ya!" exlaimed Beedle. "Link, my favorite customer! I believe you ordered a steak?"

Beedle removed a small wooden box and handed it to Link. Link opened it, revealing a grilled steak (with hearty radish sauce on the side).

"It's still warm," said Link, smiling.

"Hey, if you want it chilled, just let me know and I'll take a detour through Hebra the next time I deliver it to you."

"No, that's fine. Thank you so much," said Link as he gave Beedle 500 Rupees. "So I was wondering, how does this all work? I just select an option on my slate, and it notifies you?"

"Okay," said Beedle, gesturing with both his hands. "So, if you tell your device to notify me, this gem that I have—" Beedle pulled out a blue translucent gem. "—blinks on and off in a certain pattern. I take out my pencil and right it down. Then I make a big ole bonfire, and I cover it and uncover it with a rug, making a pattern of smoke in the sky. Smoke signals, you know? Then, an establishment by the name of Hyrule Eats, located in central Hyrule, receives the signal. They coordinate with culinary establishments throughout Hyrule, and then they send a signal back to me. Then I make the delivery as fast as possible so you can have your meal!"

"That's interesting," said Link, smiling but not quite understanding everything. "Of course, the last thing I would want to do is to keep bothering you like this, especially in the middle of the night."

"It's no problem at all! Hyrule Eats is open 24/7!"

Link chuckled. "Well, I also want to make sure I don't spend too much. Not that the prices aren't reasonable! But, if I keep spending 500 Rupees on a grilled steak, you know..."

Beedle chuckled. "Of course, the price isn't just for the food, it's for the cooking, the delivery, the taxes, the fees—"

"I understand," said Link. He took a sniff of his steak and smiled. "Well, I am starving, and I don't want to keep you any longer."

"No problem at all! Enjoy your meal, and I'll be ready the next time you want a delivery!"

"Could be a while, but thank you!"

Link returned inside with this steak.

* * *

The next night, around 10 P.M., Link walked into Hateno village.

 _Why do I always wait so late to eat,_ thought Link.

He wandered around until he found a cooking pot with a fire lit underneath. He sat down.

_I forgot to hunt for meat, didn't I._

He sat for a minute, and considered making sautéed vegetables instead.

He took a breath.

_Once more couldn't hurt._ _I'll just have to wait a little longer before I can afford to upgrade my armor at that last Great Fairy._

Link took out his Sheikah slate, opened the food delivery option, and looked at what was available.

_Huh. Steak from the Protein Palace is now 600 Rupees. Was there a sale yesterday?_

Link continued browsing.

_I could really go for salmon meunière. It's a bit pricy, but maybe I should splurge._

Link made the order, and an hour later, Beedle arrived with the meal. Link paid him 800 Rupees.

* * *

The next day, Link decided to be frugal and make his own meals. A day later, he decided to splurge once again and ordered delivery for lunch, but for dinner decided to cook his own meal. He was setting up a fire underneath a cooking pot in Zora's Domain when Beedle wandered over.

Link smiled at Beedle. "So you're stalking me, now?"

Beedle laughed. "I just wanted to let my favorite customer know, that if you order a second meal today, we'll cut 15% off the price!"

Link giggled and shook his head. "I'll pass. It's nice to order delivery once in a while, but twice a day is crossing a line."

Beedle waved both his hands. "No pressure. No pressure. We'll be available whenever you need us."

* * *

Two weeks later, Link sat barechested in front of a fire in the middle of the Hebra tundra. He stared at his Sheikah slate.

 _I could really go for some Cucco for lunch,_ thought Link. _But I really should be saving my money._

Link sat there.

_But I skipped breakfast this morning. That probably saved me some Rupees._

Time passed.

_No, wait, didn't I order crepes this morning? Uh... yes, I did. Well, whatever. I'm saving Hyrule, and I'm in the mood for grilled Cucco. How much is it?_

Link checked the Sheikah slate.

_Grilled Cucco is 600 Rupees._

Link checked his bag.

_And I have 650 Rupees._

Link paused, thinking his way through this complex situation.

_Hmm. I could hold off and cook something myself. But the meat I have is a day old. And today's kind of a "meh" day. It'd be nice to have a treat. I'll make sure to mine some gems later today to make up for the cost._

Link sighed and made the order. He then put the Sheika slate away and folded his arms across his chest.

 _It's so friggin' cold_ , thought Link, rubbing his arms. _Maybe I should wait until tomorrow to do the mining._

An hour later, Beedle arrived, shivering in his usual crop top and shorts. He waved as he approached Link.

"Hey! Link! My favorite customer!" Beedle handed Link a wooden box with the grilled Cucco meal and Link put it down next to the fire before handing him the Rupees. "You're even less prepared for the weather than I am!"

Link shrugged. "Yeah, I guess I am. Once of my shirt's got torn, and the other has a hole in it that keeps getting larger and larger. It's kind of embarrassing." Link scratched the back of his head.

Beedle smiled and shivered. "It's too bad I don't have any clothes I could sell you."

"Well, I guess I'm holding off on buying a new shirt for the time being. Just making due without."

Beedle smiled, but he looked confused. "You're just going to go without?"

"Uh, yeah." Link rubbed his arms and sniffed due to a runny nose.

"Ha. Well, there's a shirt at Kakariko Village that's just 120 Rupees. In fact, I'll deliver it to you for no additional cost. It's on me."

Link grimaced and rubbed his forehead. "I'm actually almost broke. I'm going to have to hold off on that."

Beedle's eyebrows raised, and he stepped closer. "Link, Link. I love your business... but you really should be better with your money."

Link nodded. "At least you're doing well, aren't you?"

Beedle shrugged. "Most of the delivery money actually goes toward my employer, Hyrule Eats. I'm barely breaking even."

"Well, at least Hyrule Eats is profitable."

"Actually..." Beedle shrugged and grimaced. "They're losing money. Kilton, who runs Hyrule Eats, is keeping the prices really low to keep out competitors, but the result is that he's making so little money he has to have a second job running Fang and Bone just to make ends meet."

"Huh." Link looked down. "Well, at least it's nice to know places like Protein Palace are making money."

Beedle smiled. "Well, after you account for the fees they pay Hyrule Eats, they're actually losing money."

Link was confused. "So, who's winning?"

Beedle just shrugged.

Neither said anything for a few moments. Then Beedle spoke.

"Can I sit down?"

"Sure."

Beedle put his pack down, and they both sat and warmed themselves by the fire.

Link pondered his financial situation and its inscrutable origin. _How am I ever going to make enough money to get out of this hole?_ he wondered.

Link saw the light from the fire dance on Beedle's face, and he had a thought. He smiled.

"Perhaps there's something I could sell you," said Link.

Beedle spoke without turning his head. "Hmm? And what would that be?"

Link leaned back and caressed his crotch, and kept doing so, more and more obviously, until Beedle finally turned and looked, at which point Beedle's eyebrows shot up and he let out a laugh.

"Oh!" said Beedle. "Oh, well. Before I could afford to buy that, I'd have to sell you something first." Beedle leaned back, reached down into his shorts, and squeezed his dick.

Link giggled.

And then they fucked.

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> Someone should start a GoFundMe page for Link.


End file.
